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Adapting to Life Changes in Marriage

The latest figures from the Office for National Statistics show that over 300,000 marriages take place each year in England and Wales. With divorce rates at just 8.9 per 1000 married couples, more of these partnerships are staying together. That is not to say that marriage has gotten any easier, however. Successfully sharing your life with a long term partner requires flexibility. Inevitably, life brings change. The ability to adapt and take on new roles within the relationship can make all the difference in being able to successfully maintain it, forever.

Sharing Finances 

For many, marriage is the first time to experience shared finances. Especially as the average age of people marrying is on the rise, these working adults have already learned the basics of personal financial responsibility. Car payments, bank accounts, rent, savings and debt are nothing new. However, having joint bank accounts, entering into debt together, and managing a household budget can be the first stressor in a marriage.

Although there are many ways to manage your finances as a couple, it is not unusual for one person in the partnership to take on the task of budgeting, managing the accounts, and paying the bills. Open communication about money, as in all things, is necessary for the health of the relationship. Without it, one person may start feeling uncomfortable with the arrangement, especially if there is an imbalance in the income being brought into the household.

It is not as easy as it may seem to think in terms of “our” money rather than “yours” and “mine.” Consider having both joint and personal accounts to avoid this source of conflict. Joint accounts can be used to cover household expenses like housing, utilities, and groceries while personal accounts cover things like clothes, nights out with friends, and trips to the salon or barber.

Becoming Parents

When a couple decides to start a family it marks a massive transition for the relationship. The new and ever changing responsibilities of caring for a child are immense and hugely time consuming. As each person takes on the role of parent, their role in the relationship also changes.

Married couples with children find it difficult to devote time to nurturing their relationship. The Economic and Social Research Council conducted a mixed method psychosocial study on enduring love. They found that parents engage in less relationship maintenance than their childless counterparts. The time spent doing parenting related tasks and activities leaves little time for other things. When children are very young, a parent’s focus and energy is overwhelmingly spent on the child. Parents are left feeling tired and drained with nothing left to give to their spouse.

Couples will have a greater chance of long term success if they commit to spending regular time with one another as a couple, not as parents. A set date night  with the help of a family member or childminder can do wonders for keeping a couple connected. Little things can be done on a daily basis to show care and thought for your partner. Making their tea in the morning or sending a sweet text in the middle of a work day is a small gesture that can have a big long term impact.

Illness and Caretaking

As time moves on one or both of the people in a marriage may find themselves in the role of caretaker. This can come about in different ways.  A parent of the couple or one of the people in the couple themselves becomes chronically ill and requires everyday care. Whether caring for a sick parent or spouse, this change is an emotional and taxing phase for all involved.

Caregiving takes a big emotional toll on a person. The caretaker has to come to terms with the fact that someone they love dearly is sick. Fear, uncertainty, and sadness can become all consuming. Boredom, frustration, and hopelessness are not at all uncommon. Seeking out help and support is crucial during this time. Having someone to talk openly and honestly with, whether a friend, family member, or professional, is critical to emotional well being.

Practically speaking, a caretaker should not attempt to go it alone. Outside help, even if for only a few hours a week, can give the caretaker a regular necessary reprieve. For those in need, social assistance is available from the NHS by requesting a needs assessment. For short periods of time, for running errands or attending personal appointments, the ill loved one can be left alone. Providing the loved one with communication tools that can help the carer and cared for feel more secure in leaving for these short excursions.

Empty Nest or Retirement

When couples move from being full time workers, parents, or both to being empty nesters or retirees, life as a couple, once again, transforms. Schedules are suddenly more open. Spaces are available that were once filled with children and work obligations. This can be disorienting for a couple. They may feel like they have nothing to talk about or focus on. It requires an adjustment and attention to reconnect or keep the relationship strong in this new dynamic.

Identifying areas of interest that are shared but have never been explored is a great place to start. This gives a freshness and spark to the relationship and can be very fulfilling and exciting. This new found time is a gift and choosing to spend some of it in a passionate pursuit with your spouse is invaluable to the health of the relationship.

Giving your spouse freedom to pursue personal interests or to simply spend time alone is an equally positive way to nurture your relationship during this stage. It is healthy and natural for both parties to a relationship to have interests that are solely their own. Supporting one another in individual pursuits and allowing each other to spend time away can actually bring them closer.

If we are lucky, life is long. Choosing to spend it in a relationship can be the most rewarding experience of one’s life. It is not without its set of challenges but each partner can adapt and support each other through all of life’s changing roles.

9 Differences between Being Single And Married

When people are single, they tend to go out every night in search of a hot one night stand or a crazy adventure. However, once they get married, they simply have to settle down and spend their nights browsing through celebrity Snapchats or watching movies with their better half. Besides nightlife, there are many other big differences between being single and being married. Check out the 9 most significant ones.

1. Clothing And Style

Single: When people are single, they’re constantly trying to impress everyone around them in order to attract a mate. Clothing and overall style are two very important factors when it comes to this particular mission. Both men and women are almost always well-dressed. Some singles even exaggerate with this and can develop sort of an outfit obsession, so to say, because they believe they have to look their best all the time, especially if they’re actively seeking a relationship.

Married: On the other hand, when they finally get married, men and women are not that obsessed with fashion trends anymore. Most ladies get rid of those high heels in exchange for comfy and warm footwear. The case is no different for guys either. They swap those tight jeans for baggy and comfortable sweatpants. Still, it’s not okay to get overly comfortable as well, as it’s proved that dressing up and looking sexy here and there can reignite the flame and keep your sex life in check.

2. Parties

Single: Let’s be real, most single people are constantly trying to crash some party in order to score a hot date or a one night stand. They are full of energy and enthusiasm. Moreover, they are often the initiators of such events and are more likely to host them so it’s safe to say that going to parties is their favorite activity.

Married: However, married couples are avoiding parties as much as possible. They will go to certain events simply out of the respect for the hosts, but they will always look for the opportunity to leave the party early and have a nice quiet evening at home.

3. Exercising

Single: Bachelors and bachelorettes are constantly trying to stay in shape. And while it certainly can be explained by their need to improve health and increase the overall energy levels, it also has a hidden, biological background that is closely related to their sexual self-esteem – They need to look good in order to impress other singles and this is something that a regular exercising can provide.

Married: Gals and lads who are taken don’t even think about physical activity. They simply don’t have enough time and motivation to hit the gym on a regular basis. They have found their soul-mates, so their job is done. And while this is natural to some extent and can be tolerated for certain time, married people have to be aware that it can also be potentially harmful to a relationship itself, as spouses can develop anxiety or can experience decreased energy levels. This can have a direct impact on their mood, which will become gloomy more often that it should be, so engaging in any physical activity that suits one’s personal preferences is always welcome.

4. Spending Money

Single: When you’re a loner, you can spend your money recklessly. You can treat yourself on a daily basis and buy yourself some rather unnecessary things such as the 26^th nuance of a lipstick (because you’ve missed that one in your collection) or a fancy new video game that will probably be on sale in a month or so but hey, you need it now!

Married: Reckless spending is absolutely impossible when you’re in a committed relationship or marriage. Moreover, everything is far more complicated when you have to plan for two, from monthly utilities and cell phone bills to food, clothing, and travels. There is also a possibility for something unexpected to happen around the house at some point so you have to save some extra money in case you need to call a plumber or an electrician, for instance.

5. Hanging Out With Friends

Single: When you’re not involved with anyone, hanging out with friends is your number one activity. Most single people are ready to get up in the middle of the night and go out for a drink because they have all the time in the world.

Married: Wedded individuals are not that flexible. The majority of them don’t have time and energy for socializing due to hectic lifestyles, while others will make excuses not to go out. This isn’t good either, as occasional dates with friends can bring us a necessary dose of freshness and break the established routines.

6. Eating

Single: Solo men and women don’t have established eating schedules and diets. They eat whatever, whenever, and wherever they want, including 1 AM meals in front of the TV while binge watching Game of Thrones, for instance.

Married: The case is completely different when it comes to couples. These people share everything and they plan their meals. They usually eat together and at the same time because it can help them save money and because it’s a kind of ritual.

7. Date Nights:

Single: Bachelors and single ladies are always planning their date nights to the smallest detail. A romantic dinner, movies, and a long walk are implied. This has a lot to do with a fact they don’t know what their dates so well and thus want everything to be as perfect as possible.

Married: Couples are more relaxed. Most of the time they get out without a plan and see where the road takes them. They usually end up back in front of their TV where they can enjoy their favorite show while eating a delicious meal.

8. Traveling

Single: When it comes to traveling, single individuals are rather spontaneous. These fellas and gals are able to pack a small suitcase or a backpack and simply hit the road without a plan.

Married: People who are married, on the other hand, can’t afford that type of unpreparedness. Couples need to organize a trip for two or more (in case they have kids), and that’s not always a simple task.

9. Sex

Single: Sexual encounter is the most exciting, exhilarating, and a rather spontaneous experience when you don’t have a permanent partner. It can happen anywhere and anytime and it’s often filled with thrill of the unknown.

Married: This doesn’t apply to married people. They’re usually too busy to be spontaneous, so they need to plan ahead. Once you get married, you’ll know the exact time and place of your next “lovemaking session”.

8 Ways To Rekindle Your Marriage In 60 Seconds

“We need to spend MORE time with our significant other” – if you’re given five bucks for every time you hear this phrase, you can probably load up your shopping cart with one week of grocery. We get it. Every time our relationships fall flat and dull, we turn to this blanket statement with the hope of saving what seems to be lost. But with hectic schedules and other commitments in mind, this so-called “time” becomes a scarce resource you just can’t easily have.

The question is how much time does it really take to rekindle a relationship? At least one week? One day? One hour? One minute? It appears that one minute is enough, and you can make the most out of 60 seconds with your partner with these things.

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6 “Normal” Habits That Can Turn A Relationship Toxic

No relationship is perfect. No matter how healthy and happy a couple’s relationship is, fighting is still inevitable. However, disagreements in healthy relationships are way different from the ones in toxic relationships.

Toxic habits are suffocating, demeaning, and full of a bunch of unnecessary drama. What’s more dangerous is the fact that most people think they are normal, and this may keep people from distinguishing that there’s something wrong in the relationship that they need to address.Continue reading

11 Romantic Habits Couples In Happiest Marriages Have

I do not believe in forever but I do believe in love and the possibility of keeping a marriage happy for a lifetime.

I have seen it. I have seen how my grandparents kept their love strong and healthy for more than 50 years. I have seen the subtle acts of caring, like preparing each other’s coffee and biscuits together every morning and rubbing essential oils on each other’s legs when rheumatism strikes. Continue reading

The Mathematics of Marriage, By Pastor Adeboye

…At 73, Adeboye reveals secrets of his 47-year old marriage

WAY before he became a prominent pastor, Enoch Adejare Adeboye of The Redeemed Christian Church of God, RCCG, was a Mathematics lecturer at the University of Lagos and at a point, the University of Ilorin and he reminded everyone of that on Thursday, February 19, 2015.

Daddy G.O. as he is fondly called, who has been married for 47 years shared with the audience at the first annual lecture of Pastor E.A. Adeboye Professorial Chair for mathematics, the four simultaneous linear equations for successful marital life.

Pastor Adeboye supported each equation with relevant biblical verses as he told the audience at the main auditorium of the University of Lagos, UNILAG, that his understanding of the mathematics of marriage is what has kept his marriage strong.

“I told my children that why I have remained married for 47 years is because I understand the mathematics of marriage. Mathematics is a science of living,” he said.

His equation number 1, which states that ‘Love is blind’, was supported with a biblical passage from Proverbs 10:12, which states that love covers a multitude of sins.
Then he said the explanation for Equation number 2, ‘which is that “marriage is a miracle worker with special anointing for curing blindness”’ could be found in Genesis 29:16-25 which gives the account of how Jacob was so much in love that he did not know it was Leah that was given to him in marriage instead of Rachel until the next day.

When simultaneously calculated, he said the result shows that during courtship, love does not make shortcomings obvious until after marriage, when all doubts about character are cleared.

Moving on to Equation number 3, which states that “Angels don’t eat jollof rice”, he made reference to Judges 6:11-21 where the sacrifice Gideon offered to the angel was consumed by fire, while he said Equation number 4 is that angels don’t marry Matthew 22:30.

In essence, Pastor Adeboye explained that women eat jollof rice so they are not angels and are not perfect, just like men.
He advised couples to have reasonable expectations of their spouses and not expect them to be like angels.

Pastor Adeboye was the first Master’s and Ph.D student of Mathematics produced by the University of Lagos. The Apapa Family of the RCCG endowed the professorial chair in Mathematics, valued at N50 million at the university on his behalf in 2009.

The UNILAG Vice Chancellor, Prof. Rahamon Bello, announced at the lecture that the university would confer an honorary doctoral degree of science on Pastor Adeboye for his contribution to life and the growth of his church.

“In recognition of Pastor Adeboye’s contribution to life and the growth of the Redeemed Christian Church of God, the Senate of the University of Lagos has approved the award of a Doctor of Science (D.Sc) Honoris Causa to Pastor Adeboye. We look forward to the award will be bestowed on him officially,” he said.
Responding, Adeboye said he would accept the award with joy.

“While I have humbly rejected the awards of many universities, I will gladly accept that of the University of Lagos,” said the man of God.

Source: http://www.vanguardngr.com/2015/03/the-mathematics-of-marriage-by-pastor-adeboye/