Marriage is like a “long way in the dunes.” Sometimes beautiful, romantic, sometimes so complicated that it seems you cannot go any further and many stop this path, diverge in different directions. Is it possible to go through this way together until the end, without losing love and respect? How to remain necessary to each other, becoming more reliable and loyal?
Why does alienation happen?
“He is the best!”; “She is extraordinary!” The lovers are firmly sure what will happen next, like in a fairy tale: “They lived happily ever after and died on the same day.” However, after the march of Mendelssohn, another life begins. There is a profound recognition of each other, the attrition of characters occurs, life arises on all fronts, and questions of hierarchy in the family are resolved. Rose-colored glasses fall off.
Then children are born, problems and difficulties appear, and they must be overcome together. Spouses begin to implement their life and social programs. This is a community of interests, joint creation of one’s nest, raising children, maintaining a typical household, helping each other in career growth, familiar social circle, life improvement. To build a nest, to occupy one’s position in the hierarchy, to raise young ones is inherent in not only man, but it is also an all-natural program.
However, eventually, the moment comes when this program is completed, and what is next? The children grew up and went about their business, the houses were built, the apartments were repaired, furniture and the like were bought, and you no longer want, and there is no need to do house building. Thus, the relations of spouses at the social level lose their energy potential, their relevance. For many, this means a family crisis – a crisis of the empty nest. Spouses who have lived together for more than one year come to a psychologist when their relationship collapses, and they no longer manage to cope with this destruction. We are moving away from each other and will soon become strangers. How do we get back a close relationship? – These are the words that you often hear.
Why is alienation happening? First, there is no longer that powerful binding force as sexual relations. Secret life becomes constant, routine, and therefore, uninteresting. In any case, not as bright as in the early years. Couples who have been married for many years inevitably face the extinction of sexual attraction. Especially if the spouse makes no effort to refresh their relationship in the bedroom; however, there is an expression: Love must be cultivated, weeds do not grow on their own.
Heat is better than hot.
Most of all, children unite the family, the need to raise them, to take care of them, and if there are no offspring or they have already grown and separated, what remains? Life shows that in this case, couples with a typical business and common professional or creative interests have the most chances and if the spheres of affairs of the spouses are too different, then the chances of saving the marriage are reduced. Specialists in family relations believe that the most active cementing force that holds a marriage together is the friendship of two individuals. As long as the spouses have a personal interest in each other, as long as they are closest friends to each other, their marriage remains, despite the problems and difficulties. Interaction at this level is characterized by the greatest openness of partners to each other, as compared with previous periods. In a relationship, there is no need to seem better than it is. Characteristic is the vision of a real person next to him, not a perfect image, and at the same time accepting a partner along with his shortcomings, support in difficult times, sensitivity to the needs of a loved one, personal development of each through overcoming inherent difficulties in relationships. It is here that the greatest intimacy is achieved, contributing a unique fullness and warm colors to the link. There is no passion here, it is more and more smoothly, not hot, but sunny, without sudden drops of adoration for hatred, confidently – as with a reliable friend. Here, respect for the dignity and values of a partner, the rest of the soul from the storms of life, raging only outside the house where there is such love.The decisive advantages include long years of common fate, prevalent evils, and victories, shared memories, the strength of everyday habits, parental feelings, and love for children. It is difficult for a man to change a traditional way of life, who, if not his wife, best knows the character of her husband. Husband and wife will forever remain relatives connected with children, and such a relationship may be stronger than marriage.
When marriage is in danger
Various signs indicate the alienation of spouses. This is not about a scandal or a misunderstanding when emotions hit the edge, and everyone wants to make one’s case. Instead, symptoms of chronic fatigue are given here when discontent has become permanent and silent. Here they are.
Lack of current plans. You stopped making general plans. Each lives his own life and does not particularly coordinate his intentions with the spouse, at best only informs about them, informs.
Lack of confidence. You do not tell your other half about your own experiences; prefer to keep them with you. Prefer to share with a friend/girlfriend than with your half. You also do not know what worries him or her.
Lack of caress, physical contact. You stopped kissing, hugging. Physical contact is significant. Even the cat likes to be petted. A person needs tender touches, and if they are not there, alienation and emptiness come.
Unsigned claims. You have grievances against your spouse, but you keep them inside. Perhaps because you no longer believe that they will understand you. Outwardly, it looks like coldness and indifference. We must fight for marriage, for their relationship! It is impossible to do this in silence. It will work out only if you talk and pronounce what you care about, look for mutual accommodation.
Taunts. There is nothing more harmful to relationships than sarcasm and irony about each other. These poisonous arrows give rise to a grievance that has not been forgotten for a long time. There is a desire to seek understanding and approval outside the family.
How to refresh the relationship? Make it a rule to go on vacation together, relax without children. Left alone, without a familiar atmosphere, you will again feel like lovers, explore the old romance. Maybe you will say that there are issues that are more important and higher priority costs. Think what could be more important than the preservation of relationships, family?
Start making general plans. Highlight the days to go together to a cafe, restaurant, go to visit, go to the theater, to a concert. Start your joint hobbies: go in for dancing, sports, or even some other hobby. Cultivate relationships if you want to keep them.
The ability to establish long-lasting, emotionally intense, trusting relationships with others is considered an essential criterion for personal maturity. The ability to resolve conflict situations, hear a partner and to ensure one’s view, lack of constraint in expressing human emotions, openness to communication and the ability not to put one’s weaknesses and fears to a partner is also an essential part of social maturity.
Melisa Marzett is a content writer who is currently working for www.smartessayrewriter.com/and traveling along with working. She enjoys getting to know new things, meeting new people, and learning to handle something. She is self-reliant, a very punctual and a perfectionist.