The possibilities of making the kinds of connections you want are very realistic, and many long lasting relationships and marriages have begun via online dating services, not to mention casual relationships as well if that is what you prefer. The possibilities are all right there and waiting for you, but there are a few key rules you need to know and follow in order to find your perfect date online. Download to learn The Golden Rules of Online Dating – 6 essential rules to finding the perfect online date!
“Love recognizes no barriers, it jumps hurdles, leaps fences, and penetrate walls to arrive at its destination, full of hope,” quotes Maya Angelou. While real love, as described by Angelou, keeps marriages strong, sometimes divorce is the healthiest options for couples. Besides separation, the other common and more natural way that marriages end is through death. Losing a spouse to death changes the world around you and subjects you to sorrow and grief. You may experience guilt for being the one who is alive or get mad at your deceased partner for leaving you. But should you live like that forever, or should you move on?
The 18th-century writer Samuel Johnson defined remarriage as ‘the triumph of hope over experience.’ This can be perceived as a cynical statement to mean that if you have been married once, you ought to know better than to remarry. But his witticism also expresses a more positive and more profound truth about the human nature that we are all hopeful species especially when it comes to fulfilling the most basic human need: to love and be loved. So, why not be hopeful?
Ask a lot of questions
A date relates to an interview because you are actively trying to learn more about the person to see if they are a good match for you. Many people get nervous during dates, and as a result, they end up talking too much about themselves. Instead, you should compose yourself and try to learn something about your date as well. Knowing the other person is crucial, hence you should not hurry up down the aisle with them, even if you were in love before your divorce. This is because your relationship is on an entirely different footing; it is no longer a secretive affair which in most cases scraps off most of the excitement.
Don’t talk much about your ex-partner
One thing that your date does not want to hear is how your former partner was a jerk or was not adhering to your agreement. If you dwell too much on the negatives from your past relationship, you will most likely never hear from them again. Therefore, you should try to concentrate as much as possible on the present and the future. In case your divorce comes up, keep it brief, shallow and resist from cursing. Some of the words you should refrain from include depressed, devastated, heartbroken, bitter and deadbeat.
“Does the person bring the best in me?” Do I like myself when around this person?” these questions emphasize whether your date is a good fit for you. If you are dating a person who makes you feel bad about yourself, you might find that everything you do is inclined towards making them love you more, and on most occasions, they cannot. Instead of trying to make such a situation work, accept that they are not the one and that you need to move on for your well-being.
Don’t talk much about kids
Your children are your pride and joy, and they are in most cases, a significant part of your life. In this line, your date is not with you to talk about them the entire time but to know you and what defines you when you are not a parent. Similarly, when people find love after divorce, they often want their kids to dive and join in the happiness. They do not realize that children might require more time to adjust. Therefore, you should not hasten to introduce your children in a bid to solidify the bond. It is vital to understand that just because you are dating your soulmate, it does not mean that your kids feel connected to those of your partner. As such, don’t force them to spend time with each other but give everyone time to accept the new arrangement.
Put in mind that divorcees shuffle a lot of issues including kids, job, and more. Dating as a divorcee is significantly different than when you were younger. Therefore, issues like last minute rainchecks, kids despising you and your partner’s ex being rude to you are typical scenarios to expect. In addition, there might be days they fail to talk to you, and though they might not manage to see you as often as you want, it is essential to remain calm and understanding; those are just the constraints of dating after divorce or death of a spouse.
A bit of time to yourself after losing your spouse, through whichever means, allows you to reflect and get to know yourself again. You may not feel like you’ve lost yourself but when you’ve been part of a relationship for a long time, you can lose some sense of yourself as an individual. Give yourself time to breathe, reflect on your own wants and needs and get to know yourself. You can rethink your sense of style, your ambitions in life and where you hope to spend your later years, even with a new partner.
How long to wait
Whether your previous marriage ended with death or divorce, you need time to recover. You have gone through a significant life transition and you ought to get in touch with your emotions before indulging in another serious commitment. Also, for divorcees, try to understand what went amiss, and if you find yourself laying 100% of the blame on your ex, you may not be entirely realistic. Until you have acknowledged your role in the separation, you are likely in danger of repeating the same mistake. In fact, a period of self-examination is vital. Also, therapy might be helpful as it clears off any emotional baggage so that you do not drag it into your next marriage.
After a divorce, no one scores 100% in dating and remarriage because the past always sticks with you to a certain degree. Remarried couples will always have to deal with issues from previous marriages. However, openness, honesty, patience and mutual support are the keys to a successful remarriage. The good news is that the union is more likely to be successful because partners are more experienced and more mature than they previously were. It might not be fair to term remarriage as the ‘triumph of hope over experience’; it could be that very experience you have gained that grants you a reason to remain strong and hopeful.
In the list of Top 10 reasons for a marriage to end in divorce in the UK, money problems come in third. As observed by lawyers specialising in divorce law, money problems put a major strain on couples; so much so that in 2010 (the aftermath of the financial crisis) many decided to call it quits. It is difficult to keep the flame burning when bills continue to pile up, so if money’s too tight to mention, be aware of its potential to risk the stability or your relationship and take the necessary steps to ensure you and your better half are financially and personally stable.
If you are newly married and you frequently argue about money with your partner, consider this a warning sign. Researchers have found that in the ‘honeymoon’ stage of relationships, “Arguments about money is by far the top predictor of divorce. It’s not children, sex, in-laws or anything else. It’s money — for both men and women.” When you argue with your partner frequently, it is difficult to feel responsive and loving towards them. Worst of all, when you are stressed, it can be hard to find the mental clarity you need to sit with your partner, analyze your finances, and make a few necessary changes. Sound financial planning is key for couples at all stages of their lives but especially when economic times are tough. By working on resolving your difference and reducing tension at home, you can work on a long-term strategy together.
Research indicates that equality seems to promote stability – especially when it comes to finances. Couples who feel that they are part of a team in which everyone contributes money towards bills can feel that they are being treated more fairly, than those who feel overburdened by having to assume all expenses. The truth is that although modern couples don’t necessarily aim to be millionaires, they do perceive that living on a very small income can be highly stressful. This is especially true when they are struggling to pay the bills or do not have a savings account they can turn to on a rainy day. Sometimes, households simply cannot meet all their expenses unless both partners contribute.
Money can’t buy you love
While it is true that financial stress can hamper a couple’s happiness, wealth is not everything, which is something couples should keep in mind in hard times. Research shows that overly materialistic couples fare worse than more spiritually inclined couples when it comes to communication, conflict resolution, and responsiveness. Interestingly, researchers have noted that the way a couple perceives their finances is more important than the actual money they have. By keeping your focus on the value of your relationship rather than the wealth you are building up, keeping that loving feeling alive becomes easier. Sharing tasks is also important. Couples as a whole seek some sort of equity, so that if one spouse works from home while the other works in an office, home tasks such as cleaning and cooking should be fairly divided.
How can you talk about money without causing couple strife?
If money objectively does have the capacity to destroy marriages, what steps can you take to ensure this doesn’t happen to you? You essentially have three choices when times are tough financially: you can take steps to improve your situation, avoid facing the facts, or adapt to a tighter budget. The first strategy – informing yourself, making changes to your budget, and creating a strategy for the months ahead – is the most proactive and arguably the most useful in the long run. Creating a Plan B for your future will help you feel that financial worries are all temporary and surmountable.
What stops couples from moving forward during financial crises
Some of the biggest problems standing in the way of couples include lack of (or too much) information, poor communication between partners, and poor time management or lack of time to do the research. Try to work as a team, dividing tasks if need be until you talk to the right people or find interesting information online. If you have kids, try to teach them the basics of financial literacy early. As soon as they are able to, they should learn about concepts such as loans, interests, credit etc. so that as they enter into adulthood, they refrain from buying things that are simply above their means, or borrowing more than they can reasonably pay. Scientists note that today’s young couples want a big wedding, a home, cars etc. but it is sometimes important to take things in small steps, opting to spend less so as to enjoy financial stability later in their lives.
Having a talk once a year
Get together at least once a year with your partner to have a ‘reality check’. Talk about old and new financial goals – including saving for a family holiday, paying off credit, or taking out a private pension. During this talk, you can agree to discuss (non-defensively) any concerns you may be having. For instance, rising interest rates might mean one of you is paying off a higher amount on a loan, and this needs to be factored into your respective contributions if you have different accounts. This is also a good time to bring up hopes and dreams. Is there an experience or item that would make your life a lot more meaningful? Is there a caprice you would love to treat yourself to? You might be surprised to learn that your partner also sees value in what you do. It is important to support each other as much as possible, so long as any expense incurred is not unrealistic or above your means. Of course, in addition to this ‘big talk’, smaller discussions should take place throughout the year.
‘Give and take’ is key when it comes to staying together ‘through the good and bad’. Partners can agree to see their financial success as a team goal; one that both partners do their share to fulfil either in a paid or unpaid fashion. By being aware that financial instability is a stressor, and committing to tackling it proactively, couples can ensure that strife is temporary, and that stress does not take away the most important thing they have: each other.
If you are over 65 and you have recently become divorced, when time has passed and you begin to feel ready again, the sound of starting over might appeal. If you have a small social circle and you don’t know where to start, online dating may be a good idea. A new study by Pew Research found that a majority of people believe online dating is a great way to meet people. Moreover, around 12% of mature daters reported using an online site at some point in their lives compared with only 6% in 2013. The fast pace of life in urban areas means that it can be difficult to meet new people with shared interests. The Golden Rules of Online Dating will enlighten you on the essentials of finding the perfect date while being honest and optimistic and enjoying the journey towards your new life.
Who can you meet online?
People from all walks of life sign up to dating sites to find the person of their dreams. If you thought you would never find someone who matches your interests, experiences, and abilities, think again! The fact is that ‘grey divorce’ – divorce in over 50s – is more common than ever before so there are many more interesting singles on the market than just a few decades ago. As noted by the Office of National Statistics, “In England and Wales, divorce is in decline – our most recent 10 years of data show a 28% fall in the number of divorces between 2005 and 2015. But older people are bucking the trend. In the same period, the number of men divorcing aged 65 and over went up by 23% and the number of women of the same age divorcing increased by 38%.” There are several reasons why people are getting divorced older. One is that life expectancy has increased considerably; people who turn 50 or 60 realise they have many decades left to enjoy life and wish to do so with someone who is compatible with them. Another important reason is the fact that second or third marriages tend to last shorter. This phenomenon leads to a higher percentage of single seniors.
What about non-age-limited dating sites?
What if you are over 50 but wish to not be defined by age? Some people can feel that limiting themselves to ‘mature dating sites’ can be limiting. After all, who is to say that the love of your life won’t belong to a different age bracket? The good news is that sites like Plenty of Fish have millions of active daily users. You can use an age filter when you are searching for a partner if you choose, making your search as wide or limited as you like. Ultimately, joining a site with a large percentage of active users is key, since it means your experience will be dynamic and that you will be getting messages and Likes/winks from day one.
What sites should you try?
Mature Dating UK is aimed at singles over 40 and 50. It does have a charge (ranging from a free three-day trial to £11.99 for six months?. The site has pretty cool features, including the fact that it allows you to upload many pictures and videos to your profile. You can flirt with users by sending them a ‘wink’, chat on the online forum, and send each other emails and instant messages. When you sign up, you will be asked to fill out a personality and lifestyle test. This will steer you in the right direction when it comes to finding compatible singles. Another popular site is Dating Over 50s. It encourages mature users to sign up and get to know other people with shared interests or hobbies. The site is free to join but you can also pay a small fee and enjoy membership privileges – such as sending and receiving private messages, chatting online with instant messenger, seeing who has viewed your profile, creating and reading dating diaries, and adding multiple photos to your profile.
How do seniors feel about online dating?
Research carried out by scientists at Swinburne University shows that older adults have taken to online dating like a house on fire. Some of the reasons that make this system so appealing include the difficulty of meeting other available singles in day-to-day life; the ability to find matches that are compatible in terms of interests and locality; and the excitement of meeting various prospective partners. The study showed that unlike younger online daters (who tend to date online for a brief period), seniors like taking it nice and easy, dating people for months before deciding to settle down.
Making the most of online dating
If you don’t find love as quickly as you’d like, stay positive and focus on increasing the size and quality of your network. The great thing about online sites is that they also allow you to meet friends on features such as online chats and forums. This in itself can lead to meetings that can indirectly open your circle and lead you to people who may not actually be members of the online dating site you are using. Some people find love surprisingly quickly; others wish to take it slower. Because your choice of partners is arguably one of the most important things in your life, being certain before making a commitment is key.
How to present yourself?
There is no point in using an old photo or presenting yourself as something you are not. The reality show Catfish shows how deeply painful and disconcerting it can be to be lied to by someone. Because your aim is to find someone that truly loves you, it is important to be honest from day one. List your real interests and hobbies; if you are a homebody, say so instead of trying to impress. You may be surprised to find that there are many people out there who appreciate the things you do – even if your ideal night involves snuggling by the fireplace and catching a great film on TV.
If you have just got divorced, online dating may be a good place to start once you are ready to meet someone new. Think about whether or not you would like to limit your search by age, and pick the appropriate site. Sign up on sites with many active users, and consider any membership fee an investment that will enable you to get to know others at a deeper level before agreeing to meet in person.